Alex's Pain
by victorious1314
Summary: Alex is attacked and left broken. Her adoptive father, Ben, tries to help her get through the obstacles she now faces as a rape survivor. WARNING: Rated M for explicit rape, self harm, swearing, and suicidal ideation.
1. Chapter 1

Alex's Pain

By: victorious_1415

Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of the characters.

Warning: M rated story. Involves rape, self harm, and attempted suicide. This may be offensive to some readers. If stories with any of the above warnings offend you please do not continue reading.

Summary: Alex is attacked and is left broken. Ben does everything he can to help her.

Chapter 1: **Alex's POV**

I run through the jungle. I try my hardest to avoid the trees that threaten to knock me down. I laugh as I trip and tumble onto the ground. I love the jungle. My father Ben** hates **it when I go exploring.

I can understand, he must be really anxious that I will get hurt. Which makes sense to me. I am 14 and am pretty content with my life. I would be nearvous too if I had a daughter who liked to run around in the jungle like a mad woman without a care in the world. I lay on the groud and catch my breath.

I hear a twig break a couple yards away. I jump up and back into a tree behind me. My heart is beating fast when a William steps out of the trees. I sigh, relieved that it is one of my father's assosiates who I trust.

"Hey Alex." he says stiffly.

"Hi."

I am wary. Why would he follow me into the jungle? Or is it just a coincidence? I am about a mile from housing, and the jungle is very vast. So I am unsure. He grins, "You look hot when you're sweaty."

I am startled. No one has ever even dared to look at me with intrest because Ben is so intimidating. I'm not sure how to react. This man is my father's age. I was never educated on flirting. My only source is telivision.

I smile, blush, and look away. He moves closer to me. I begin to get frightened. "Well, I'm going to be heading home now." I say fearfully. He grabs my arm, "You arent going anywhere." I try to squirm out of his grasp but his fingers are digging into my flesh.

I cry out but he puts his hand over my mouth and says, "Shut the fuck up."

I never hear swearing except occasionly on TV but my dad tells me to turn it off immediatly if he is around. And even if he isn't around I turn it off out of guilt. I have never heard that word before though. I am terrified and I try to tear out of his hold but he pins me on the ground and begins kissing me roughly.

**Begining of M rated scene **

He shoves his tounge in my mouth and my screams are muffled. He pulls off of me and rips off my shirt. I am shaking even though it is 80 degrees out. I cry and scream for someone to help me but no one comes. I scratch him and he slaps my face, "You cunt!" He yells.

I sob and turn away. He pulls off my shorts and underwear together. He wastes no time because he knows that someone could walk out of the trees and stop him anytime. I pulls his pants down and spits in his hand.

I have never seen a penis before. Juliet taught me about the birds and the bees but I wasn't quite sure how everything worked. William spreads my legs and I cry out of humiliation. I hate him. I hate the world. He shoves himself into me before I can even cry out in protest.

"Fuck yeah" he mutters in my ear. The wind is knocked out of me and I cant even scream because it hurts so much. He starts moving without even giving me time to adjust. I suddenly find my voice and scream. "No please no." I say between agonizing, blood curdling, screams.

After about 5 minuites I stop screaming and stop feeling. I just lay down and take it. I feel dead. He curses and spits in my face and I dont even flinch. He starts picking up his pace and yells out and bites my neck. I feel him ejaculate inside of me.

I spasm as he pulls out and he punches me in the eye. I begin crying softly again. He kicks my side and puts his clothes back on and walks into the jungle.

**Ending of M rated scene**

I lay there until it becomes dark. I look up at the stars and pray that I will die. I hear voices and a startled cry.

**Ben's POV**

I hear a knock at my door and open it to see a worried Juliet. "Ben we can't find Alex" she says with a nearvous look. I furrow my brows and sigh. She must be in the jungle again. "Alright, let's get some people together and look for her."

We first look around the housing area. Then the rest of the Dharma base. We gather more voulenters and go into the jungle. I regret telling Alex the combination for the gates. I begin to get more and more nervous.

We wander around the Jungle for around 10 minuites while Frank follwed her trail. There were two fresh trails so we figured that she had tried to make a phoney trail. But we are surprised that they both lead to the same place.

Juliet leads and I follow close behind. We aproach a clearing and hear a moan. I can't tell where it was coming from but my heart drops when I hear Juliet gasp and run over to a nearby tree.

I don't know what to expect but it wasn't this. I see my daughter laying on the ground, naked, with blood and semen pooling around her privates.

I run to her side and she looks dead. My heart is beating in my ears and I have the strong urge to cry. I take off my coat in a desprate attempt to cover her. She twitches at the touch and looks at me with a hollow stare.

My eyes fill with tears. She tries to say something but she lurches in pain. "Oh nononono." I say as I bury myself in her hair. She has a black eye and her nose has dried blood all around it. "I'm so sorry" I repeat over and over as the tears fall. I feel someone touch my arm.

"Ben, we need to bring her to the infermary." Juliet says. I can tell she is trying to stiffle sobs. I try to pick her up but she screams the most pain-filled scream I have ever heard and I bury my face in my hands.

Juliet looks under my jacket and says, "She has a broken rib." I feel anger rush through me. I stand up and see the others watch with horrified looks as Juliet tries to help my child. My fists clench.

They all know not to bother me. I am about to explode when I hear a little voice say, "Dad?" I whip around and fall to her side and pet her hair, "It's okay baby, it's okay." I mummer. I am trying to seem strong for her but it's so hard.

Juliet says, "We have to get her back, she's bleeding too much." I look to see Juliet desperately trying to stop the bleeding between Alex's legs. I look at Alex who is begining to panic.

"Alex I need to pick you up, it's going to hurt a bit but we need to get you back to the infirmary."

She nods slowly, not really understanding what is going on. I pick her up and she grunts in pain which breaks my heart even more. We begin to walk back and I feel broken. I can't even begin to imagine what she must feel.

The others in the search party form and circle around us and we finally get back. Frank takes her from me gently and lays her on the bed in the infirmary. Everything happens in a blur. Juliet rushes to push me out of the infirmary saying that, "she wouldn't want you to see her like this." and I oblige.

I wait outside. I put my head in my hands and sob silently for my daughter. I will kill whoever did this to her. Alex didn't deserve this. No one deserves this.

Juliet walks out of the infirmary, "I was able to stop the bleeding, and she's asleep."

I sigh in relief. I just hope that my baby is going to be okay. I will do whatever I can to help her through this. But at the same time I will get revenge for her. He will pay.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex's Pain

By: victorious_1314

Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of the characters.

Warning: Rated M just in case. Involves, rape, self harm, and suicidal ideation. If any of that offends you please to not read any further.

Chapter 2: **Alex's POV**

I can't see anything and I wonder if I am dead. I hear my father's voice in low whispers talking to what I assume is Juliet. "When is she going to wake up?" he asks.

I hear Juliet sigh, "I'm not sure. She's been through something very traumatic and might be afraid to open her eyes."

She is right. I'm terrified. I don't know how long it's been since I had been raped but I feel like it just happened. I'm afraid that if I close my eyes I might see him and he might hurt me again. I hear some footsteps come closer to me. Someone puts their hand on my shoulder. My eyes fly open and I try to move away. I whimper and feel another set of hands on my other side.

I hear someone trying to talk to me but it just sounds like gibberish. My eyes start adjusting to the light. I see that the source of the first touch was my father. He has a pained expression on his face. I turn to see Juliet with a worried expression.

"Alex I need you to calm down and stop moving. You aren't healed yet." Juliet slowly helps me settle back down into a comfortable position. I am avoiding looking at my father. I am ashamed.

I feel dirty. "Can I take a shower or something?" I ask in a croaky voice. Juliet smiles and says, "Of course. I have to help you the first couple of times because I don't want you falling down and getting hurt."

I nod in confirmation. Juliet pats my head and says she is going to get the shower ready.

I finally look at my dad. He is sitting down now on a chair beside the bed. He still has the same pained expression though. His eyes are bloodshot which suggests that he hasn't been sleeping well. His nails are bitten down too. "How long have I been asleep?" I ask abruptly.

He looks relieved that I am not terrified of him anymore, "A day and a half."

I sigh and ask how they found me.

"We followed your trail." He says flatly. He is probably disgusted by me. I would be too. I hate myself. But I don't want him to become uncomfortable so I just smile sadly and say, "I'm sorry." I meant it to come out nice and friendly. But it came out broken and defeated.

He looks at me confused. "It's not your fault." He says it so matter-of-factly that I almost believe him. But no. He just doesn't want me to feel bad. He holds my hand and looks terrified.

He probably thinks he will catch some sort of disease from me. I look away and blink tears from my eyes. I feel him gently embrace me. It is confusing. Why would he hug me if he hates me? Why did they even bother bringing me out of the jungle? Why do they act like they care when I am just a burden? My head hurts from all the questions.

Mid-hug my dad starts shaking. It takes me a bit to understand he is crying. I feel awful. This is my fault. I am awful. I want to die.

But I will never say this to my father. It would just make him feel like he needed to love me even more. He only loves me out of guilt. I have the sudden urge to escape. But just when I start considering it Juliet comes back in and my father breaks away from me.

I feel better. Less smothered with lies and fake love. Juliet helps me out of the bed. I go into the bathroom with her and she strips me down. I look in the mirror and want to punch it. My face is bruised and my collar-bone is covered with hickeys.

My hair is flat and my brown eyes which once looked so alive, are now dead. I step into the warm shower and Juliet stands outside the shower curtain, putting soap into my hands when requested.

My body is covered with bruises and there is an awful purple, bluish, one on my ribcage.

I get out of the shower and Juliet helps dry me off and gets me into an old pink nightgown from my house. I come back in the infirmary to see my dad sitting in the same position that he was in when I left.

Juliet lays me back down and smiles at me and my dad, "If you need anything just call me on the walkie-talkie."

I smile and my dad doesn't stop looking at me. When Juliet leaves I feel awkwardness creep up my spine and a blush settles on my cheeks.

"I'm going to sleep." I announce, avoiding my fathers gaze.

"Who did it?" He asks suddenly.

I act confused and say, "Did what?" Even though I know exactly what he is talking about. He sighs and rubs his temples. I make eye contact with him finally and he looks broken. Probably because he lost his daughter because she was an idiot.

"Who raped you?" He asks sternly. He hates me.

I flinch at the words and bow my head in shame. I don't' want to answer. I don't want this to be real. I shifts in his seat.

"Alex, if you don't tell me. I can't protect you from him."

My heart drops. I become uncomfortable and change my position. I look away and mumble, "William." He looks confused and asks me to please repeat because he didn't hear. I begin to cry.

He touches my arm but pulls away when I flinch. I look at him with blurry eyes and say it again at the same volume as before, "William."

"Alex, I can't hear you. Please spe-"

"**William!"** I scream.

I blink away my tears and he looks mortified. He stands up and begins walking towards the door, "I'm sorry, Alex."

He leaves.

I feel empty. I want to die. I hate everything. I hate everyone. But I hate myself the most. This is all my fault. Now my father wants nothing to do with me. I cry into my pillow. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

**2 Weeks Later:**

I'm almost healed. Physically. They want me to talk to the therapist, Harper Stanhope. She has come to visit me now and then and tried to talk to me. But I'm just not interested. I feel as though everyone is blaming me. Which I know I deserve but it still hurts.

My father spends most of his time with me. God knows why. But he does. We do not speak to each other so it is extremely awkward. I dread every time he comes.

Richard, who is like a second father to me, also visits me often. He is the only one who can make me smile. But I know he is just pitying me.

I'm getting discharged today. I will have weekly check-ups and therapy 3 times a week. I will try to stay as strong as I can. Even though I would do practically anything for release. Most of my bruises are gone but some are still a yellowish brown color. The one on my ribcage is still purple-brown.

I just want to go back to my house. My father helps me up and offers a kind smile which I return so he will think I am alright. We walk from the infirmary to my house and people stop and stare. I want to just disappear.

They must all hate me. I'm taking so much attention. But I grin sweetly at the watchers while my father scowls. I enter my house and it smells like home. Everything looks the same. So I am relieved.

"Do you want to go to your room?" my father asks.

I nod and he helps me to my room and puts me in bed. I cry as soon as he leaves. I hate this. Whenever I close my eyes I see William's face. I get flashes of him on top of me. I wish that they hadn't found me. Maybe I would have bled out.

I begin to sob loudly. I don't even care if my father hears me. I eventually fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and feel someone touching me. It's William. He pins me down on my bed and I can't scream. I try to kick but I can't move.

I wake up screaming. My dad rushes into my room and I start crying. "What's wrong Alex?!" He asks frantically. I lurch over and scream-sob into my pillow.

He begins petting my hair and saying that, "it's okay."

I can almost feel where dream-William was touching me. Almost like it's burning my flesh. I cry for what feels like an eternity. I finally look up and see my father crying. I slowly stop and act as if I have fallen asleep.

He eventually leaves. I flip myself over so I am staring at the ceiling. Silent tears run down into my hair. I eventually fall back asleep out of emotional exhaustion.

I wake up at 7:00 am. I get my crutches and go into the living room in my clothes from yesterday. My dad isn't awake yet. Probably because I kept him up for so long. I hurt everyone around me.

I limp into the shower trying to shield my ribcage from the pulsating water. I begin washing my body and I decide to shave. I stare at the razor for about 10 minutes. I try banging it on the side of the tub but it does nothing. This is an old-fashioned razor, with one of those very large blades. I start chewing on the sides of the plastic around the blade.

Eventually I get a grip on it and it comes out rather easily. The blade is sharp. I have no idea what I am doing. I only heard someone on TV talking about "cutting". Saying that it helps with pain or something. I figure I will try it.

I rinse of the blade in the hot water. The girl on the TV had cuts on her arms. So I assume that is where it is most effective.

I don't hesitate. I start slashing at my arm. Blood runs down the drain. I didn't think I could cut this deep. It hurt. But it also felt good.

Like a release. I make one more small cut at the bottom of my arm. I put the blade down. I look at my arm and watch the blood fall until it stops eventually. I get out of the shower and grab the first-aid kit from under the sink.

I wrap up my arm with gauze and surgical tape. I sigh. I run back to my room which is right across the hall and put on a baggy sweat shirt. I squeeze into some jeans and brush my hair and teeth. I grab the razor from the shower and hide it in my jewelry box. I clean whatever mess I made and limp back into my room.

I feel more calm. I close my eyes and all I see is black. No more William. I thank god that I found something that takes away the pain. I hear a knock at my door. I jump and make sure that my sleeve is pulled down all the way.

"C-Come-in."

The door opens and my dad is there. He looks like he just woke up. He smiles and says, "Good morning."

"Good morning." I reply cheerfully. He then asks, "Do you want to go for a walk today? To your appointment with Dr. Stanhope?"

I smile and say yes. Even though I want more than anything to stay locked up in my room for the rest of eternity. He smiles and says that he is going to take a shower then leaves. I breathe out a sigh of relief when the door is closed. I pull up my sleeve and check on my cuts. They definitely need stitches.

But that isn't an option for me. Getting stitches would mean that I would have to confess to cutting my arms open. Which I plan to never do. I am already planning my suicide. Though I haven't decided yet, Hanging, Cutting, or Overdose? They all seem pretty good to me but I want something that will definitely work. I've been using my laptop to find good strategies ever since I have been in the infirmary.

But until I can decide I will just cut. About an hour later my father comes into my room.

"Are you ready to go?" he queries.

I nod and he helps me onto my crutches which prevent me from leaning onto my side with the broken rib. My rib was broken when William kicked me in my side. When we get outside no one is around. Probably because my father didn't want me to feel uncomfortable with all the stares so he told everyone to stay inside for a while.

I appreciate this. Every step I take is agonizing. But I keep on a cheerful face for my dad. We eventually walk to 's office. My father knocks on the door while I try to keep up my balance. Harper comes to the door with a too-happy-to-be-real smile. She helps me into her living room and my father says goodbye and that he will pick me up in an hour.

When he is gone Stanhope stares at me. I feel more like an experiment with ever passing moment. She eventually sighs and crosses her legs. "How are you, Alexandra?"

"It's Alex actually."

She apologizes and asks, "Are you mad, Alex?"

I give her a confused look. She continues, "Are you mad?"

"Mad at whom?" I ask politely. She looks at me in the eyes, "Mad at the world? Or everyone? Or certain people?"

I freeze. She didn't ask me if I was mad at myself so I just say that I am mad at William.

She looks at me like I'm a sick puppy or something. She even goes as far as to stick out her bottom lip. I shift uncomfortably on her couch. "What happened, Alex? Your father said you had quite the episode last night." I begin to feel angry. I furrow my brows and look away. "Episode". I feel sick.

When I don't answer her questions she says, "What were you wearing, Alex?" I am confused yet again by this strange woman.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

She sighs, "Why did he rape you? Were you wearing revealing clothing?"

I think back to that day. I was wearing shorts that were an inch above my knees and my shirt didn't show any thing except my fore-arms. "I-I was wearing shorts." She makes an "Ahh" noise as if it makes sense now.

I feel uncomfortable. I feel like it is my fault now, more than ever. She senses my uncomfortableness and puts her hand on my knee. "Now what have you learned from all of this?" I start panicking. My heart is beating in my ears and I look around frantically for an exit.

No one understands. I need to die. I cant do this, I cant do this. I start sweating and she backs away a bit, confused. I start hyperventilating.

"Can I go home please, I need to rest." I say as calm as I can.

"Do you want me to call your father to pick you up?" I shake my head and say, "No, No. It's fine I can make it home." I limp home and nobody is outside. I burst through the front door and check to make sure the house is empty. I throw my crutch across the room. I run and I feel as though my rib is being broken all over again.

I grab my razor and shuffle through the medicine cabinet. I know I don't have much time. I take an entire bottle of sleeping pills and 50 Tylenol Extra Strengths. I cut horizontally down my arm.

It doesn't bleed at first. I can see the yellowish color of the fat inside my arm and then it starts bleeding everywhere. I lay in the empty tub. I am laying in a pool of my blood. I begin feeling weaker and weaker. I'm not sure if it is from the pills or the blood loss.

Everything goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex's Pain

By: victorious_1314

Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of the characters.

Warning: Rated M just in case. Involves, rape, self harm, and suicidal ideation. If any of that offends you please to not read any further.

**Chapter 3: Ben's POV**

I leave Harper's house in a daze. I have felt numb ever since Alex's rape. I fear for her so much. Even thinking about what she went through makes me want to to puke. Last night when I heard her screaming was awful.

Even though we changed the combination on the gates I still was terrified that William had found his way into my house and hurt Alex. I trusted William. But when I think back to it he was always staring at her. I figured he just had a thing for zoning out but now I feel like an idiot.

I could have prevented her rape. If only I had paid attention to the details. There is a buzzing noise coming from my walkie.

"Ben?" A fuzzy voice says. I sigh and answer it. "Yes?" it is Frank. He is always checking up on me now. Making sure that me and Alex are okay. Which is understandable. He did help raise her. There is a long pause before I recieve the next secentence, "We found him." My heart lurches.

I am not ready to face him. If I do I fear I will explode. I am frozen before I say, "Where is he?" in a dangerous voice. He answers immediatly, "In the shed." I begin running for the shed. When I get there I freeze at the door.

Finally I take a deep breath to see frank punching a tied up William. I loose it. I push Frank away and grab hold of Will's collar. "You bastard!" I yell in his face. His nose is bleeding and his eyes are swelling.

Dispite my frightening anger he laughs. I punch him as hard as I can.

"Do you think this is funny?!" I hit him on every other word. I let him fall to the ground and he groans. Frank turns to me. His knuckles are bruised like mine are begining to.

"When are we gonna kill the dick?" He asked.

I shake my head. "We should keep him alive for a while. So he can suffer."

Frank nods in agreement. Then he Ties William up against the wall in the most uncomfortable position he can and spits on him. Will passes out and we leave the shed. We put the "Do Not Enter" sign on the door.

I hate William so much. I want him to suffer.

I check my watch and it is almost time to pick up Alex. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and the blood from my knuckles. I arrive at Harper's house just on time. Harper open's the door with a confused expression on her face.

"Alex left 30 minitues ago, she said she needed to rest." I understood and began walking the short walk home. I open my front door and freeze. The house looks like a tornado came through it. Alex's crutch is on the floor and there are pill bottles scattered everywhere.

I panic. "Alex?!" I yell.

I run into her room to find her jewelry box on the floor. I run into the bathroom and my heart breaks.

Alex is in the bathtub. She is foaming at the mouth and covered in her blood.

"Alex!" I yell and run over to her. I hold her against my chest and sob violently. I pick her up and am covered in her blood. Her arms are cut open and bleeding steadily. My brain isn't working. I just run. People are out of their homes now. They stop and stare. Some men come and help me carry her while her best friend, Karl, is held back and begins to cry.

I can't think. We get her to the infirmary and the doctors are called down and they allow me to stay inside this time. Most-likely because they didn't have time to kick me out. Juliet pushes past me and I just stand there.

I can't cry. I can't move.

Alex begins murmering and crying while Juliet tells her to keep her eyes open. Suddenly, Juliet shouts, "She's going into cardiac arrest!" I feel like my world has been turned upside down.

The use the paddles on her and her heartbeat becomes steady again. "We need to pump her stomach. Get me the staples. Keep your heart beating, Alex! Don't you give up on me!" Juliet is talking so fast I can barely understand her. The doctors are so fast it's hard to keep track of whats happening.

They shove a tube down her throat and beging pumping out the contents of her stomach. Another doctor cleans out her wounds on her arm, which are about an inch thick, and starts stapleing them together.

I don't move when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Ben, come on. You don't need to see this." I turn to see Richard who is looking over at Alex with pain in his eyes. I turn away from Alex eventually and follow Richard out the door. We sit outside.

"This isn't your fault, you know." Richard states. I dont say anything for a while until I find my voice.

"Yes it is, Richard. She has been home for ** .** And she's already dead." I say between broken sobs. I've never cried infront of anyone until these past few weeks. But I just can't hold it in anymore.

"She's sick, Ben. And she isn't dead. She's going to be fine. They are fixing her." He says.

I let out a shakey breath, "Did Jacob want this?"

Richard looks confused for a second, "I don't know." He says honestly.

I look down to see that I am covered in my daughters blood. My anger surges up inside of me. I feel even more anger towards William, which I didn't think was even possible. I get up on my feet and begin walking towards the shed.

I turn around, expecting Richard to stop me. But he nods his head in agreement. Everyone is back in their houses, which I am thankful for. God knows what they would think if they saw me covered in blood.

I open the shed door to see William in the same position as we left him. But he is awake. Perfect.

He looks at me through badly bruised, swollen eyes. And he laughs again to mock me.

"Do you know whose blood this is?" I ask him calmly. He looks confused and shakes his head. I look into his eyes and say, "This is my daughter's blood." A grin slowly creeps on to his disgusting face, "She bled that much while I fucked her." I can't help it. I punch him. I realize the mistake I made when he smiles again. I have shown him my weakness.

"Her skin was so soft, she was tight and warm too." He says proudly. I feel my face get hot and hold back another hit. "I'm going to torture you, William." I say evenly.

He ignores what I said and continues, "God I loved it when she would scream for her daddy to save her. It just made me fuck her harder. She had no idea what was going on, Ben. It was grea-" I punch him in the gut as hard as I can.

He coughs up blood. Then grins. This man must have a death wish. I grab some pliers and break his fingers. One by one. Finally he starts screaming. I then proceed to cut out his tounge. i knock out what is left of his teeth and cut off his toes. He passes out from the pain on the second toe. I plan to come back tomorrow and finish the job.

I leave and it is 8:00 pm. I walk home and take a shower and get into clean clothes. I dont plan on sleeping tonight anyways. I rush to the infirmary and see Juliet leaning over Alex's bed, putting in a new blood transfusion bag. I sigh and walk over to them. Juliet smiles sadly to me and says, "She might not wake up for a couple of days but she will be okay if everything goes as planned."

I sigh again and notice that Alex's arms are heavily bandaged. I sit down and Juliet joins me. We both watch Alex for a bit.

"She tried to kill herself Ben." She says as if the very words pain her.

I know this. I just haven't accepted it. I tried to seem happy for her but I suppose I failed. "She needs serious therapy. This was an actual suicide attempt. I used to work in the ER and there are two kinds of suicide attempts, the ones who need help but don't know how to say it and the ones who actually want to die. Alex really wanted to die." Juliet says anxiously.

I nod almost roboticly. I will find a therapist. Someone who can really help her. "It might take time. What should I do until then?" I ask.

Juliet ponders for a miniute. "I can talk to her. I used to self harm when I was a teenager too. I also dealt with suicidal ideation for many years."

I agree and offer a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes. She returns it, "You should go to bed, ben. I'll watch her." I agree as my eyelids become heavy. I kiss Alex's forehead and stumble home. I collapse into bed and the next thing I know it's 9:00 am. I groan and rub the sleep out of my eyes. I change and wash up. I head down to the infirmary, half-asleep.

**Alex's POV**

I wake up with an awful head ache. My arms have a dull pounding pain in them and my throat is on fire. My eyes spring open and I begin coughing up my stomach acid. Juliet is immediatly by my side. She begins rubbing my back and holds a bucket under my face. The acid burns my whole mouth and she quickly wipes it off my face when it seems like I am done.

I fall back and feel a familiar pain in my ribs and cry out in pain. She gives me some tums, pain killers, and water. I feel like crap.

"Your father just left about and hour ago. He's exhausted." I cry out of humiliation, guilt, and pain. Juliet puts her hand on my shoulder and I flinch and have a flash back again. This time William is ripping of my clothes. "No!" I shout.

She tries desperatly to calm me down. But when she tries to touch me I start screaming again. I am horrified. I eventually pass out from the pain in my throat and ribs from screaming and moving so much.

I wake up several times during the night, crying.

I eventually wake up and the sun is shinning through a window on the wall. Juliet is still beside me, sleeping. I need water. But it is on her other side. I don't want to wake her so I try to lean over her and grab the cup. My throat burns again. I grab the water but collapse on Juliet while trying to get back.

She awakes with a start to find me yelling in pain on the floor. How could I have been so stupid. I should have just woken her up. She helps me back into the bed and gets me more water. I drink slowly. Every gulp makes my ribs ache.

She soothes me back to sleep and when I am just on the verg of it I hear the infirmary doors open. The light from outside momentarily blinds me. Then when my eyes adjust I see my dad looking over me.

"Good Morning." He says as if I hadn't just tried to kill myself the day before.

Juliet stands up and motions with her chin to the outside of the infirmary. My father follows. I am alone. I look around the room for something to cut myself with but find that just about everything has been baby proofed.

Then I remeber something from a movie I saw once. The man in the hospital begain blowing into his IV tube and it killed him. I grab my IV and rip the tube from the bag. The IV stand falls to the ground with a loud noise. I know I only have seconds now before they come bursting through the door.

I grab the end of the tube and but drop it. I hear the door open and, I grab the end of the tube and start blowing. I feel a pair of hands grab it from me. I go limp into the bed, defeated. Juliet removes the IV and places a new one in with a new tube. Before I can even protest.

I feel a pair of hands begin shaking my shoulders. I whip my head around to see my father's furious face.

"Why are you doing this!?" He yells. I can't even scream because I am too scared. Instead of my father's face I see William's. I scream, finally, and he lets me go. He falls beside my bed and cries into his hands. "Why?" he asks over and over, between sobs.

I scream in fury as Juliet sedates me. My last words before I fall asleep are, "Why can't you just let me die?"

I awake and it is raining. I groan almost automaticly because I expect more pain. But there is none. I look down to see my arm is lightly bandaged and my rib does not hurt at all. I pass out again.

The next time I open my eyes my father is sitting beside me, "Alex?"

I turn towards him and see that same pain-filled expression that I see so much lately. I feel groggy. I notice that my arms are still lightly bandaged but I am wearing different clothes.

"How long-"

"3 weeks." He says quickly.

I feel the urge to cry but I cannot summon any tears. "I'm so sorry daddy."

He holds my hand and kisses my knuckles. "Don't scare me like that again."

I lightly squeeze his hand. He rubs my arm in an effort to comfort me. It just gives me goose bumps and makes me want to pull away. "I killed him." He says suddenly.

I freeze and slowly look over to him, "Did he suffer?" I ask

"Yes."

"Good." I look up at the ceiling and blink away tears. "I hate myself, dad." He stops rubbing my arm and stares at me as if I had just called him a "Fucking Cunt" (I'm still not sure what those words mean). He finally asks, "Why?"

I suddenly remember how to cry. "I'm disgusting." I mange to choke out.

He gasps and says, "No you are not disgusting. You are wonderful. I love you."

I guess that is his way of saying he doesn't want to hear it. So instead I just say, "I love you too."


	4. Chapter 4

Alex's Pain

By: victorious_1314

Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of the characters.

Warning: Rated M just in case. Involves, rape, self harm, and suicidal ideation. If any of that offends you please to not read any further.

**Chapter 4: Ben's POV**

3 weeks earlier

I walk into the infirmary to see Juliet petting Alex's hair. Alex's face is twisted in pain. Her eyes shoot open and she blinks a few times until she realizes it's me. She gives me a wary look but a nervous grin settles on her face.

"Good Morning" I say in hopes of making this situatian more comfortable. I walk over to her but Juliet stands up between me and the bed and motions for me to go outside.

We get outside and Juliet looks anxious.

"Ben, she is really sick. Maybe we need to consider hospitalizing her back in the states.. Maybe she could benifit from a psychiatric hospi-"

"No." I cut her off. I can't risk her being hurt. There are many people who wan't to kill me. Charles Widmore would love to kill my daughter just in spite of me.

Juliet looks down and sighs. "She woke up several times last night. She needs the kind of help that we cannot provide."

I turn away. I don't understand. Why would my daughter.. want to kill herself. I must have done something wrong. I can fix this. I will fix her, no matter what it takes.

We hear a crash from inside the infirmary.

Juliet is inside as quick as a light and I am on her tail. We run in to see Alex fumbling with her IV tube. At first I think that she accidently dis-connected it or something. But then she starts blowing into it.

Juliet rips it from Alex's shaking hands and changes it with a new tube.

Alex slumps back into the bed and stares at the white wall with dead eyes. Anger floods through me. I don't feel like that is my daughter. This can't be the little girl who I used to push on the swing or patch up her scraped knees. No. This is not my daughter.

My vision become hazy and I grab hold of Alex's shoulders and shake her. "Why are you doing this?!" I shout. She looks dead. But finally fear settles onto her face and she starts screaming. I realize that I must be hurting her and lay her back down.

I fall on my knees beside the bed and cry into my palms, "Why?! Why?! Why?!" I repeat.

Alex continues trying to move farther away. Juliet holds her down and injects her with a clear fluid. I assume she is sedating her. I am proven correct when Alex's eyelids become heavy and her head loles to the side.

"Why can't you just let me die?" Are her last words before she goes to sleep. My heart feels like it is being squeezed, "Because I love you.." I say in a broken whisper.

Juliet looks at me with pity but it slowly turns into frusteration. "Why would you do that Ben, scare her like that?"

I sigh and rub the bridge of my nose. "I don't feel like it's her. I don't believe that my daughter.. **MY **daughter, is capable of that. She was always so happy. I dont understand how this could happen.."

"She was brutally raped, Ben. I had to stitch together a part of her vagina." Juliet says it like I'm an idiot. This makes my heart lurch. I feel anger creep up my spine and settle in my throat.

"It doesn't make sense. Why isn't she stronger? I raised her to be strong." I use my hands as I talk now. Juliet is becoming angry as well.

"Ben. Listen to me. She is very sick." Juliet stresses the last part in a desperate attempt to get me to understand. But I dont. I feel as though I am going to explode if I don't do something. I sigh and leave. Before I can even comprehend what I am doing, I am back at the shed.

William is still tied up but he is now covered in dried blood. It smells like death and urine. His eyes shoot open as I walk in. He begins making groaning noises as I aproach. "Not so chatty now are you?"

He is still bleeding a bit from his severed tongue. He tries to move away but he cannot even move. "Alex tried to kill herself last night."

He seems uneffected by the words and it angers me even more. Before I can stop myself I pull out my gun and shoot him in the forehead. He dies instantly.

I put my gun back in my holster and call Frank on the walkie. "Come and clean up the shed."

He immediatly agrees and I walk home. I hate this. If Alex dies I will have no one. She's 14 for godsake. She has her whole life ahead of her. I clench my fists and head back to the infirmary to see another doctor with Alex.

Juliet is probably exhausted. This isn't what she signed up for. She's just supposed to be a fertility doctor. I am grateful.

**3 weeks later**

I've been visiting Alex everyday. I try to do my work but I always find myself back at the infirmary.

I open the doors to the infirmary to see Alex stirring in her sleep. Juliet says that her brain needed a break after all of the emotional stress. She called it a kind of a coma.

I sit next to Alex and hold her hand. Her eyes shoot open and she flinches from my touch, which is expected. Her eyes adjust and she looks down at her bandaged arms. She furrows her brows and turns to me. "Alex?" I ask as evenly as I can, even though I am panicking.

I pray to god that Juliet will come through the door soon.

"How lon-"

"3 weeks." I say.

She looks confused but rests her head back on her pillow. "I'm so sorry daddy." She says in a weak voice. I hold her hand and she doesn't flinch, "Don't scare me like that again." I try to sound soothing but it comes out a tad threatening.

"I killed him." I say, not quite knowing what to expect. She looks at me, "Did he suffer?"

"Yes." I answer.

"Good."

I am happy with that answer. She blinks tears from her eyes.

I kiss her knuckles and rub her arm in an effort to calm her. She looks at the ceiling and frowns.

"I hate myself, dad." She says it in a broken cry. Tears begin to fall and I stop rubbing her arm. I'm not sure what to say. I dont want to hear that. It hurts too much.

"I'm disgusting." She says finally.

I quickly dismiss it by saying, "No you are not disgusting. You are wonderful. I love you." She looks conflicted but says, "I love you too."

**One week later**

Alex is going to be discharged today. I have never been so nervous. I just want her to be better. I've been trying to find the right therapist for her but it's difficult. We need to find one who we can manipulate into coming here.

The less family the better. Alex has been acting reasonably normal lately. She only had one episode and that was when I brought in Dr. Stanhope to talk to her. I hope that Alex will open up to her soon. She is talking to Juliet often though which is great.

But Juliet is no therapist. I need Alex to move on from this.

**Alex's POV**

I'm nervous about being discharged. I'm afraid I will mess up somehow. I still have flash backs every now and then but I stiffle my screams and mute my crying. Richard comes to visit me almost as much as my father.

I still blame myself but I understand that I can't kill myself. It probably won't work and it will upset my dad even more. I dont believe that he loves me though. I just think that he doesn't necesarily like the thought of me dying. Like a pet. I don't blame hime however.

It doesn't make sense for him to love me. My mother died when I was young and Ben found me. He raised me as his own. But I'm an annoying teenager so he probably regrets that.

The only time I broke in the past week was when he tried to get me to talk to Harper. Which was too painful. It's one thing to know everyone hates you but it's totally different hearing it.

Even though she didn't specifically say that everyone hated me she made it clear that the rape was my faut. I know that but it still hurts like hell.

My rib is completely healed and all of my bruises are gone. My arms are almost done healing. We switched from staples to stitches last week, a little bit after I woke up. I'm getting my stitches removed next weekend.

My father helps me out of the bed which I spent the past month in. We walk back to my house. My father opens the door and I sit on the living room couch. I sigh as I turn on the TV to see what I missed. My dad went through my search history on my laptop and doesn't want me to use it for a while.

I am disappointed but plan not to argue. I have put him through enough. "I have to use the bathroom." I say.

He looks conflicted and reluctantly agrees to let me go by myself. I enter the bathroom to see that the tiles on the floor were changed as well was the wallpaper. I guess I stained it. I check under the sink for a razor but there is none to be found.

I am disapointed but also feel relieved. I finish in the bathroom and walk out into the kitchen to find locks on the medicine and silverware cabinet. I blush out of shame and open the fridge. I take out a yogurt.

"Um. Dad can you please unlock the cabinet so I can get a spoon?" He freezes for a miniute but gets off the couch and grabs a ring of keys from his pocket. he unlocks the cabinet and grabs me a spoon. I take it and thank him.

"Can I go to my room?" I ask.

"Of course." He says relieved probably because he doesn't want to be around me anymore. I smile politely and go into my room.

My room is the same as I left it. I settle on my bed and pull my sheets over my head. I am so embarassed. Everything would be so much easier if William had finished the job and killed me instead of this shit.

I cry hard but quiet any noises I make by covering my face with my pillow. I don't need anymore attention from my dad. I lay in my bed for what feels like an eternity. I stare at the ceiling and watch the shadows the sun casts on it as it goes down. Eventually I can hear cycadias and I shift my attention to the voices coming from the living room. I hear multiple male and female voices including my fathers. I stand up and listen.

"We can't send her to America. She belongs here." My father says.

My heart drops but I continue listening.

"Ben, she is sick! I keep telling you that. She can and will kill herself if you keep her here." Juliet sternly whispers.

I hear my father sigh and then some shuffling.

"I agree with Juliet. Ben, she needs to be hospitalized." I recognize Richards voice.

I feel anger surge through me, my face gets hot and my hands shake.

"I don't know. Maybe, I'll consider it."

I loose it. I swing open my door and march into the living room. Ben, Juliet, Frank, and Richard are all sitting down with serious faces. Their heads snap up as they stare at me. I regret leaving my room for a split second but then I remeber that they want to hospitalize me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I ask. (learned the word via internet).

They look shocked to say the least. My dad puts up his hands as if surrendering, "We are just considering all of our options, Alex. Why don't you go back to bed."

I clench my fists and say, "Why can't you just leave me alone?! Huh?! If I want to die. You better bet your sorry ass I'm going to die!" I yell at them all. I dont care that I must seem like an angry PMSing teenage girl. I'm pissed.

My father looks at me irediculously and says, "Why do you want to die? I dont understand? How have you become so weak?! I didn't raise you to become this weak." He says the last sentence full of disapointment.

Ouch.

"Why have I become this weak?! I was RAPED, _**Ben.**_" My only goal is to hurt him now.

It looks as if I have succeeded. A look of anguish crosses his face.

"Do **not ** call me that. _**Never**_ call me that." He looks dangerous but I dont care.

"Ben-" Juliet tries desperatly to calm him. But I cut her off, "I will call you whatever I goddamn please!" A deadly glare settles in his eyes,

"Why don't you talk to anyone?! It's like you don't want to get better! You won't even talk about what happened to you on that day." Ben says coldly.

My face becomes flat, "Listen to me, _**Ben.**_ I will tell you exactly what happened on that day. I was in the jungle. Minding my own fucking buisness when William came out of the jungle. Lets not forget that you brought ol' Willy here in the first place."

"Alex-" Richard tries. I continue,

"Then he ripped of my clothes, fucked me, spit in my face, beat me, and left me to die. Now while he was raping the shit out of me I screamed and I cried for you. But _**guess what.**_ You never came."

"And let me tell you something else. I _**don't**_ want to get better. I _**hate **_myself. I am disgusting. I am used goods. I will die alone. And I _**promise**_ you that I won't be living much longer."

They all looked at me with complete and utter shock. My dad looked horrified. I walk calmly into my room. I push a chair between the door and my bookcase after that. I lean my bed on it's side and put it infront of the bookcase. I smash my mirror and throw my lamp against the ground.

I pick up a sharp piece from my mirror and carve, **WHORE**, into my thigh. I scream and throw the glass shard across the room.

I hear pounding on the door but I pay no mind to it. Everything is happening so fast. Blood is dripping down my leg and I scream and swear and rip out chunks of my hair at a time. I hit myself and bang my head against the wall. I punch the window until my hand bleeds.

I try to feel but I can't. I can't feel the pain. No matter what I do. I scratch my face and arms. I rip out my stitches and pick the wounds until they bleed. I hear a knocking on my window. William is there. He is trying to break my window.

I scream and want to kill myself before he can hurt me again. Finally my door gets thrown open and I am dripping blood everywhere.

"Fuck off!" I scream. My father tries to grab me to stop me from scratching at my arms. I scream when he touches me. I sound like a wounded animal.

Juliet tries to speak to me but I can't hear her. I feel like i'm dying. My heart is beating in my throat and I can't stop screaming. "Leave me alone!" I shout at her.

Richard comes behind me and before I can even take note of him he grabs me. Hy holds me by my waist and I scratch at his arms and face like a cat. I'm bleeding on him. I feel Ben's eyes on me.

"**What do you want from me**?!" I roar at them.

Richard is forced to let me go when I punch him in the face. He holds his nose but shakes it off and tries to grab me again.

I am too fast and I spot the shard of glass across the room. My father sees my look at it and jumps to try and stop me. Frank calls for help on his walkie. I lunge for the glass piece. Ben grabs me and holds me to his chest.

I scream and kick. But I eventually stop. I go limp and my screams turn into sobs. My dad tries soothing me. It works. I pass out.


End file.
